Bad things ( a short short story)

   When bad things happen to us we find it hard to believe that it has happened. People say the first stage one goes through after a bad thing happens is denial, but I don't really think it is denial. It is shock. We are too surprised to believe that a bad thing has happened however glaring it is that a bad thing has happened. Bad things have always been something we know from afar off, and never did we think it could happen to us too. Never did we think we would curl up and cry or scream, or jump. Yes extreme sadness can make you jump too.

You see when an emotion becomes too much to handle it takes over your body, overwhelms you, lifts your body, twists and contorts your body, can make you feel uncontrollable pain too, it can settle in your heart or your stomach and make you feel heavy. You will try to sob it all out, the pestering heaviness, your throat will pang with pain, your oral cavity will fill with salty water, but the heaviness won't stop. It will lurk around for days. Lurk in your stomach, in your head, in your bones.

Grief can affect your eyesight too, people say it is because I am brooding too much. But sometimes I really can't see, I would sit, my daughter would sit just right beside me but I won't see her I hear her. Oh, this sadness tampers with my hearing too. 

You might lay all day on your bed like me, you might even wish to never wake up. But then you wake up all the time, in the wee hours of the morning, in the middle of the night. And then you sigh, you sigh and drink more salt water from your eyes. You cry along with the birds of the night, and you wonder if they are sympathising with you too or dealing with their own grief too.

People deal  with grief differently… but I'm not dealing, I am not.

People handle losses differently...But  I don't think I can handle whatever it is that needs to be handled. I am just breathing… Or living if you can call this living.

Sister says it is not living , she says I look gaunt. But it doesn't matter. I would rather my flesh waste away with hunger than live on. Why should I live, why do I need to live.

The thing with bad things is, no one will ever understand how you feel, no matter what they say, no matter the gestures of care shown. Even when they say it, they don't understand! They can't! They will never understand how you are trying to be happy but the happiness keeps skipping away. And on the day happiness shows up, head bowed shyly, it will bow away, embarrassed.

Wọn sọ pe akoko larada, ṣugbọn Emi ko ro pe Emi yoo mu larada, ibanujẹ kikoro yii ti wa lati duro.

It has come to stay...I feel it everyday, every time. 

Inú mi koro…

   When bad things happen to us, we never believe we can get out of it. We never believed we could feel better… The light at the end of a tunnel at some point feels impossible to find. When darkness overwhelms and we wallow in it, light finds us.

I feel guilty that I feel better, but I really just want to hold on to this good feeling.

Sister and Daughter never understood, but they were pointers onto my light.

Smile? Is that you? Playing at the corners of my lips. While I watch this annoying sitcom.

Relief? Is that you?

It feels like a magical transformation, that I feel better.

But when bad things happen to us we feel better. It is the cycle of bad things. So we can feel sadder when another bad thing happens.