YELLOW by Falodun Sadie

    

  I remember when I was in primary school. I got fifth position in the hundred meters race at the biannual school inter house sports competition. I remember being dressed in  yellow shorts and a yellow vest. I remember trying to run so fast ,but the others were just too fast. But I didn't want to disappoint Mrs Aka who chose me because I was brilliant and good at her subject, Mathematics. I hated running,but I tried to run anyway. I ended up being last. I cried so hard,because I failed and because the girl in red who got first position stuck her tongue out at me, I stayed bent over hands on my knees as I tried to catch my breath, panting heavily as the blurry vision of girls in red and green running slowly towards a group of reds and greens who surrounded them in victory. 

It is funny how I am  wearing a yellow short dress right now. I am running so fast,faster than I ran that day, faster than Shola from the red house ran. Faster than I have ever ran in my life. I guess my adrenaline is working. I am breathing so fast that I am barely breathing. I just want to get out of this big exquisite house ,with all it white tiles that I mop shiny everyday ,the chandeliers,the fine fluffy rug that impersonates an Ankara fabric,that I like so much. I just want to get out. 

"Come back here Imisi!!!!!"  Mayo's voice screams , I take a glance backwards. He is running and dripping with sweat. He almost looks comical, in the ash briefs he is only wearing. But I can't laugh. This situation entirely is not comical. I quickly look at my front. 

I get to the door,I grab the door knob with my sweaty palms.

"Wait!" He screams. 

I turn around, he is bent over, hands on his knees ,panting. A drop of sweat drops to the ground, I watch as it does. It stains the white tile. 

"Wait" he repeats more quietly ,then he stands up straight,in his full length. Mayo is a complete stud. His chests are sturdy, his arms are muscular, and his stomach is equally sturdy. I know because I have touched it before. I have traced the lines of his abdominal muscles. Each single one. There are five in total. He stands akimbo. I press my back against the door and suddenly, I don't want to leave. I don't even have where to go. My hands are still on the knob of the door. My chest heaves inward and outwardly. I deserve a better life.  I should open the door and let this all end now. 

      Imisi Daramoye is the only child of her parents. Well ,I am not really an only child. I have a half brother who lives with his mother in Canada.  Dad's first wife left him for another man, after they had been married for nineteen years and she took their son along with her. They have not returned from Canada, ever since. Dad married my mum ,five years after his first wife left him. I was given birth to five years later. So I am basically treated as an only child. Mum has a store where she sells household food  items at retail and wholesale price. Dad worked as a civil servant until he retired seven years after I was born. I remember always being so angry that he was always at home. I hated inviting friends over. Whenever I did ,Dad always came into the living room to talk to them and ask weird questions. Mum is gentle and sweet. She is very caring and patient. I miss her so much, I even miss the mole on her nose. She never gets angry,even when Dad annoys her. Dad annoys a lot. I remember helping mum at the store ,even though I was always chagrined. I remember how she always checks up on me when I am asleep. She treats me like a baby,she motivates me. She is the reason why I used to be so smart,"used" because I don't really know if I am so smart anymore.

I always got the top score in every test, in every exam,in every term. I was the pride of my school and of course my parents. There is a shelf with sixteen awards arranged on it, right in the living room close to the small flat screen Tv, that  I have acquired over time, from different classes consecutively that I was in. The only time I ever failed in my life was that day I ran at the inter House sport 100 meter race. I am not a perfectionist, but I hate things being wrong and failure. Maybe I am a perfectionist, but I would rather not use that label. I hate specific labels. 

    The day Dad got sick. I remember waking up very early. I was going to a mathematics state school championship. I was really eager, happy and anxious at the same time. I had been preparing all through the night. I was a bit tired but , but I was at the height of ecstasy. 

 I called out to mum when I was done dressing up but she didn't reply. I knocked on my Dad and mum's room. But I got no reply. I decided that they were still sleeping. So I took money from my savings box that I kept underneath my bed instead. When I got back home that day, I found mum crying in the living room.  I was so happy since I won the competition for my school. But my mood quickly went downward when I saw her. It felt like my heart was a metal brick thrown into the ocean. 

After so much pestering, she told me what happened. Dad had a stroke. He was in the hospital. He was temporarily paralysed.  I was so shocked. No matter how annoying Dad was. I was even more shocked to see how emaciated he was three days after when mum finally let me go to the hospital. I cried so hard that day. 

Mum spent so much ,so that Dad could be fine again. But he didn't. It affected mum's store and she had to close down. 

I remember helping mum pack, the scanty products left in the store ,into the little lorry. Dad had to leave the hospital, mum couldn't pay the bills anymore. We weren't really rich,but this was worse. At least we were comfortable.  It was so devastating having to wake up in the morning every day to nurse after Dad,while mum sold the rest of her goods at the stall she had set up in front of our house. I remember having to wash up for dad,clean him up when he vomits all over himself , or when he defecates on himself or urinates. It was really heartbreaking to see him so helpless,so weak,so little. I remember crying so hard when I was done. I remember longing to just go back to the past, when  I was the smartest girl in class. The girl everyone wanted to be friends with. I was just a helpless girl ,whose tiny little world capsized. 

 Then help came. Should I really call it help? I don't really know if I was better in my old bungalow, nursing Dad everyday than being here. Mum's regular customer,Bukola,a busty lady with a nose ring and a tiny tattoo of a bird on her neck returned from a trip to the east. She came home to see mum. They have a good rapport and they are  almost like friends. She told mum , her friend needed a teenage girl for a househelp for fifty thousand naira a month. Bukola suggested that I work for her friend. Mum refused at first. But one morning ,Dad had this episode early one morning. He was shaking and shivering and his arms and leg kept making involuntary movements as if he was climbing something. I was so scared I called out to mum and we rushed him to the hospital. Mum had to borrow from mischievous Mama Cletus, our next door neighbor. I told mum when we got back home that day that she needed to let me go. I was scared,and I wanted to help.

The morning I left I cried so hard, I was going to miss Dad ,Mum and the house. I was so scared and confused. I  even cried in the rickety cab that drove me and Bukola to the gate of the estate where my employers lived. Bukola kept scolding me,according to her I was too old to be crying like a baby. She encouraged me though, she told me to think about helping my father. But it didn't help a bit. I cried as I waited for my new employers to come pick me up ,while Bukola spoke loudly on the phone.  I remember being very scared and lonely. Until a black shiny Jeep drove to a stop in front of us. A light skinned tiny lady waved from the car at us. I tapped Bukola and she abruptly hung up. That was when I met Mayo, he got down from the car first. He was like a tower ,so tall and sturdy ,in his tight fitting jeans and tight fitting black T-shirt, that had the illustration of a brown boy in dreads printed on it. Although the illustration's face was blank,you could easily tell that the illustration was male. Lola came down next. She looked so tiny in a flowery dress that looked like a sundress with short arms. Immediately she saw me, her face lit up and she embraced me tightly. I remember feeling so awkward. Mayo took my portmanteau into the boot. While I listened to Bukola and Lola talk about me like I wasn't there. 

Fifteen minutes later, I was freezing in the black jeep while Mayo drove. And Lola remained silent. The AC was turned on so high. I wrapped my arms around myself to keep warm. When we got to Lola and Mayo's house, I was slightly dumbstruck, I have seen houses like this on TV,but seeing something this exquisite was unnerving in a sort of way.

"Let me show you to your room", I heard Mayo's thick voice say as I admired the red and gold like  chairs and the Ankara impersonating fluffy rug. It looked so beautiful. Being here in the house for the first time almost felt surreal.  I followed him upstairs as he carried my portmanteau in one hand effortlessly like it weighed less than a feather and scrolled on his phone. My room wasn't what it expected it to be. It was beautiful and neat.  I could sense that Lola had taken extra efforts to make it look welcoming. The tiles were pink and cold against my feet. I couldn't wear my dirty slippers on the neat white tiles. The walls were of freshly painted peach. I could smell a faint odor of paint. The bed was large enough for ten of me. The sunflower yellow bedspread looked so beautiful. I wanted to cry. I never thought I would be treated this way. I was prepared for the worst.

" thank you ...Sir '' I stammered because I wasn't so sure that one sentence could embody all the gratitude I felt at  that moment. 

"It's okay" ,Mayo replied , tapping into his expensive looking smartphone. He didn't even look up at me. Like I wasn't something that really mattered. Like the way he is carrying my portmanteau. I collect my portmanteau from him and set it beside the bed. He walked away and I locked the door. 

I remember,twirling , a badly performed pirouette for my bed portmanteau and empty cupboard. I felt happy until I went into my adjoining bathroom to have a quick bath. Then I remembered Mum and Dad. I imagined mum struggling to bath him. I sunk the ground, my back against the wall until my naked butt hit the cold wet tiled floor. It did hurt, but my butt didn't ache as my heart ached so much for my parents. I cried so much  that I shook all over. 

What else do I remember? I remember helping aunt Lola cook dinner,while Mayo watched a football match. We all ate on the dinning that night. The food was nice I was grateful for the good food and the meat ,it had been a while I ate something that nice. The next morning I woke up quite early out of habit,I always woke up 5:45 AM back at home , to get ready for school. Even when I went out of school to care of dad,I still woke up that early everyday. I walked round the extravagant house the whole compound. Past the small pool, shaped like a pearl ,the fruitless coconut trees and artificial birches.  Then I got to work,I figured out if I was the maid ,I ought to work obviously. I swept the compound, mopped the white tiles in the living room even though it was white enough. Mopped the stairs the corridor ,the kitchen. Then I made breakfast of some noodles I found in the cabinet. I just wanted to make a good impression. Aunt Lola was very pleased. She said I was hardworking. She took me to a clothing shop for teenage girls and almost bought the whole store for me. 

Then the next week , on a Wednesday, I think Aunt Lola woke up early, earlier than I normally did. When I woke up, I found her sipping tea. 

"I am going to Dubai on a trip ,short or long depends on what I see over there. I am not receiving good reports from my store in Dubai." She had told me sipping tea and smiling, the cup between her thin pink lips. She is a  very little nice looking lady. Her countenance emits goodness and kindness. I remember Mayo carrying her two portmanteaus that I thought looked beautiful, one was pink and was made from a Burberry designer fabric. After they were gone, I went about my chores. When I was done  I took my bath changed into a pink short and a black T-shirt Aunt Lola bought for me. Then I came downstairs my footsteps echoing as I walked down the stairs and outside. I was the only one in this very big house. I walked down to the pool and found two beer cans in it ,and a small white nylon floating on the surface,close to the edge. I decided to remove the dirt. So I bent over and then stretched my hands. I succeeded in taking out the first can ,but when I bent over to take the second beer can, I heard the  car drive in , Mayo. I tried to swifty pick up the beer can but I keeled into the pool. I took in my breath as I sinked in. Then I pushed myself out my wooly hair dripping water. I was horrified, scared. Mayo might have thought I was swimming and contaminating their pool while they were away. Which wasn't true. I barely stepped out of my room while they are both out ,except I have a chore to do. The small white nylon floats towards me. I have never seen one up close,but my instincts quickly told me it was a condom, judging by the size and shape and how stretched out and wrinkled it looked. I jerked nervously and swam quickly out of the pool. I stood by the edge of the pool dripping wet and then wiped water off my eyes. I saw Mayo coming towards me,with a straight face. I was so scared ,I went on my knees. 

"I am so sorry Sir, I wasn't swimming I was trying to clean it. I swear. " 

He heaved and his hands went akimbo, "we have a pool guy that comes every three week Imisi" ,he said then looked down at me kneeling.  

"Get up", he said. I did ,and I was suddenly aware of how very wet I am and how my shirt and shorts were clinging to me. I was not even in my bra. I felt like falling into the pool over again. Mayo looked me over like I was some display in the museum, a really antique ugly one he wasn't really interested in and walked away.

I remember being alone most of the first two weeks ,Aunt Lola was away. Mayo was always out and came back late at night. 

I remember when it first happened. When he came to my room late at night ,some minutes past midnight. I was surprised to hear a knock on my door so late. Nobody ever knocks on my door. I opened it,curious, worried ,then scared when I thought about the possibilities that could be. But I already turned the door knob. I saw his bulging chest and muscles tightly fitted into his white shirt ,he totally looked like a bouncer. I could only make out his body, it was dark. A second after I opened the door, he pushed me in and landed on my back on the soft bed. 

" Uncle Mayo what are trying to do? " I asked fully aware of what he was about to do. But I was so shocked I had to ask. I had to affirm too, he reeked of alcohol and was obviously drunk ,maybe he didn't know it was me ,the ugly relic that he wasn't interested in. Mayo was not down to mince words. He pushed me down again. I tried to stand up again but he held my neck with his strong hard hand , he pinned my hand down on the bed with his other hand. I struggled I did struggle I struggled so hard but Mayo had his way with me. People like Mayo have their way with everything, even with things he is not interested in. I remember how the smell of my blood filled the air. I remember how he abruptly got off me. His pupils were no longer dilated; they  just looked disgusted. He walked out zipping up. I remember cleaning up that night, washing my bread spread and crying. I was confused, scared, I was disgusted at myself too. I blamed myself all through the night , for not pushing enough, for not fighting enough. I packed my bags, I was going to leave. But morning came, and I wasn't so sure if I wanted to go back to my dreary house. What would mummy say,she would be disappointed and if I leave how would mother pay the money back, how would we survive. Maybe Mayo wouldn't come back again ,I thought. But he came back again, I was deep asleep ,when I heard him knocking. I locked the door already and had placed my chairs behind it,in case.

"Open the door or else!!!" ,he screamed. That was enough to unnerve me. I opened it up shaking. I opened the door every night for three more weeks. I just had to stay ,we needed the money.  There was something giddy about him paying attention and sleeping with me,and not being looked at like the ugly relic he wasn't interested in. I was something again, not just the girl who left school to take care of her bed ridden father. I was a girl , sturdy handsome Mayo liked to be with at night. Although I was scared of Aunt Lola knowing anything. Mayo reassured she would never know. 

He brought home gifts for me , I was afraid to take it ,but then Aunt Lola was not around. I fell in love with him, I don't know if I can call it love , because I was scared of him ,he terrifies me, but still I felt a sort of happy feeling when I heard the knock on the door at midnight. I felt scared too , it was a combination of the two. I was scared of the pain of him piercing into me , him holding my neck tightly, him pinning my arms to the bed until it bruised, sometimes he wiped my naked body with his black designer belt,till welts formed all over my breasts, stomach , buttock and the rest of my bare body.  It soon became normal. I opened the door out of responsibility rather than fear, although I was sacred too. I was content until the day he brought a brown short lady home, and I caught them making out in the living room on the red and gold sofas. You could say I was jealous. I was awakened to the fact that I was just his play thing,I was still the ugly relic except I could now be managed. That was yesterday , today I decided to open the door but tell him to his face that I won't let him. Now that I think about it that was foolish, I should have just left. Immediately I told him.He held me by my throat and then pushed me to the wall. Until I almost suffocated, then he slapped me across the face, he hit my head against the wall. It hurt so bad that I screamed, it still hurts me , I have a cut on my forehead.

After screaming, I can clearly remember the look I saw in his eyes. His pupils were dilated and black, bright with energy, energy to do any harm to me until he had his way. He pushed me to the bed ,I landed flat, my back  against the bed. He removed his tight T-shirt and then flung it to the ground, then he unzipped his jeans trousers and let it pool at his feet. I don't know what came over me , I kicked him right at his organ, the organ that had been terrorizing me for weeks. I kicked him hard and ran downstairs, faster than I have ever ran in my life, while he chased after me screaming. ,I ran across the large living to the door and then grabbed the door knob.

"Wait" ,he says . He stands akimbo. 

         I should open this door and let all this end now. I turn the doorknob but Mayo pounces on me and then gives me a punch right at my face. He grabs me by shoulders and then pulls me  across the room. I scream for my dear life ,as I try to pull free.

"Please leave me alone" He pulls me to the top of  the stairs into the corridor. When we get to The end of the corridor right in front of his room ,he tries to push  me in ,but I push him away with all my strength. I ran down the corridor screaming, even Sonic couldn't catch up to me. But Mayo caught up, he grabbed me by my head. I struggle to pull free,but he is  just too strong. He pulls me along as he takes backward steps on the wall ,his arms encircled tightly around my neck. With my second arm ,I sink my elbow into his stomach. He flinches ,and his hold softens. I slip out and run to the stairs. 

"Don't come close to me Mayo or else I will tell Aunt Lola about us and about the lady I caught you with yesterday" I seeth. But immediately those words left my mouth, I knew it was a foolish thing to do. I do foolish things and only realize it after I have done them, like not going home after he took advantage of me, like opening the door the second night,falling in love with him. Rage fills Mayo's eyes ,his hefty chest heaves up and down rapidly. He charges at me and grabs me by the waist, before I can turn around and run downstairs. He pushes me to the wall by the top of the staircase.

"You are jealous huhn? You want what you saw?" Mayo says in his thick masculine voice, his voice is husky from anger and something else, his eyes lingers over my face and then my neck and then my lips. I know that other thing ,lust. Or is it love. Maybe he loves me, but he just doesn't know how to love me. Maybe his way of loving me has been violent. His lips  touch my lips. He kisses me violently like he always does. He kisses my neck and bites it. I gasp.  

"You little seductive thing ,you little sexy bitch! You are jealous huhn? Well what you saw yesterday is  a separate thing and us we are a separate thing. I like that I can be a demon with you." 

"Do you love me?"

He chuckles, like the question is ridiculous. Maybe it is. I am just a sixteen year old,and he is a 25 year old.

"No", he says then resumes kissing my neck ,he starts to unbutton the buttons on the top of my dress. I feel so disgusted that I have been used and abused. I push him away from me vehemently. He tried to grab me but I swerved and then I lost balance. I fall down the stairs,I actually roll down the stairs and then fall with a loud thud. My whole body aches and so does my head,especially my head. I feel my hair get wet,I touch behind my head. It feels so wet and painful. When I retract my hand, I look at it and my fingers are stained with blood. Hot tears gush out of my eyes. I turn my head to the side,I can see the puddle of blood gathering. I can see Mayo standing afar off at the top of the stairs,sweating profusely. I think I am dying,they say when you are about to die, your life flashes before your eyes,some say your future. Nothing flashes before my eyes. But right now I can't stop thinking about how I am nothing, and the fact that  I am dead. I do not love Mayo, I am not the smartest girl in my class,I am not the only child, my dad is bed ridden, I can't help him. I am dying for nothing, I couldn't get the money. Tomorrow was supposed to be pay day. I should have opened the door. I do foolish things. I am foolish too. Maybe in my next life, I will be wiser and I wouldn't die this way. I close my eyes and sigh soundlessly. Is this how dying feels? Something finally flashes before my eyes,a yellow bed sheet,Mayo wrapped me in. I wonder if anybody would know that Mayo killed me.

Mayo killed me.